Peter Jackson is cruelly abusing human beings everywhere.

the hobbit

MGM poster for “The Desolation of Smaug”

Peter Jackson will have owned six years of my life by the time it is all said and done.

Six years.

And that’s just one person.

That is a form of enslavement, surely, and is illegal.

For six years I will have agonized over the unfolding of first The Lord of the Rings and then The Hobbit, which he broke into three golram parts instead of making it just one movie.

After watching The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug this past weekend and realizing, somewhere around the time of the molten gold scene, that he was going to leave us on a cruel and unusual cliffhanger, I felt a wave of frustration. 12 more months to see the end?! Are you kidding?! You’re gonna leave us like that?

The second movie of a trilogy is always the worst. You don’t have the anchor of the introductory action, and you don’t have the denouement to slow the racing heart. Instead, you just have crescendo and intrigue and thickened plots and action that goes unresolved and drives you to use statins and nitroglycerin tablets.

This means that not once, not twice, but THREE TIMES I have to battle the crowds to get in first.

Yes, have to.

Three times I will have had to suffer skinny-jeaned hipsters “debating” the veracity of the books and the movie before, during, and after the movie as if they and their mustaches were the only generation that had ever read them.

My dad still hasn’t seen past “The Two Towers” from LOTR, because I won’t tell him whether or not Legolas dies and he refuses to watch the elf die. He’d rather not watch the final installment than possibly see Legolas die. In some ways, I’m as cruel as Peter Jackson.

And also, speaking of Peter Jackson, I have some really big news.

Come back next year when I finish this blog post.

Email Newsletter

Art & writing. Life hacking. DIY. Humor. Provocation. Freebies. NO SPAM.

Comments

Comments

  1. says

    Nooooooo! Not only did I have to endure the torture of yet another Peter Jackson cliff hanger, but worse yet, is the agony of this little stunt you’ve pulled like some sick twisted joke. I’m an emotional mess. Again. Thanks. ;) But seriously very fun write. Tweet me or something would ya?! Have a wonderful Christmas!

  2. Brendt Wayne Waters says

    “The second movie of a trilogy is always the worst. You don’t have the anchor of the introductory action…”

    In general, you are spot-on here, and specific to this movie, you are mostly right. But I *was* impressed with the scene that started the movie. It got you back into the story without feeling like “Last time, on ‘The Hobbit’.”

    Oh, and love the hipster line. ;-)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Loading Facebook Comments ...